Walking My Talk

I love my job.

Even if there is a crazy learning curve.

Even if I rarely get to check off all items on my To-Do list due to interruptions.

I love it. I love my students and my team, with whom I run the program. And now that the school year is beginning, I'm looking forward to getting to know my other colleagues as well.

But, I admit, the job also shames me.

I am charged with encouraging students to pursue research doctorates once they graduate. And not just PURSUE them, but COMPLETE them. And yet, I persist as an A.B.D. A gainfully employed A.B.D., but an A.B.D. nonetheless.

Yes, I had the wind kicked out of me in the last two years. Yes, it's been a marathon getting the program at my work up and running. Yes, I've tasted the bitter irony of crazy housing situations, even as I work on a dissertation on "home." But really... so what? Life happens and will continue to happen when/if I am on the tenure-track and need a few more publications before my tenure review. So, I just have to get used to it.

And I am. Slowly. And I am writing. A little less slowly.

But the thing is, I had an epiphany today, thanks to an impromptu meeting with a frustrated student. Part of why I have been floundering, even as I have been inspired by the opportunities and support my new professional home has given me, has been my sense of shame, coupled with a hefty dose of native stubbornness.

I am ashamed to actually contact my committee with my work-in-progress, and let them be the advisers I really need them to be. I know I don't know all the answers. But, I guess I feel like I've been A.B.D. so long, that I'm ashamed at some of the very basic questions I still have (like, "When is enough, enough?").

My advisers are good people. But I have not been particularly advisable. I've spent the better part of the last few years convinced that I would actually be wasting their time, showing them anything other than a complete and coherent manuscript.

How very silly.

How very naive and maybe a bit arrogant. After all, who better than my committee to actually tell me what constitutes a complete and coherent manuscript? They've served on numerous committees and editorial boards. I've ... taught undergraduate writing.

So, this week, I am sending my committee what I have, instead of doing the compositional equivalent of running on the hamster wheel. And this month, I will finish the complete draft. It may not be pretty. It may still need a lot of work. It may be gold (or maybe bronze). But, that is for my advisers to advise.