Barn's burned down,
now I can see the moon.
now I can see the moon.
That pretty much sums up my life right now.
This Friday, will mark the third year of my life in Washington. I came here for work: the opportunity to teach in an innovative program and develop my teaching portfolio around themes of social justice, multicultural American literature and research writing. That it didn't really turn out to be as glorious as suggested has already been discussed in my other, password-protected blog and can certainly be gleaned from my angst-laden post below.
I stayed in Tacoma, trying to make my first house into my first home, and stumbling through that minefield called, "Love," hoping to find someone with whom to settle down and share a life and family. Family was threatened by my two-year saga with the cantaloupe-sized fibroid tumor, which made my uterus look like that turkey Monica had stuck to her head in that episode of Friends (even though, my ute was actually about the size of a roasting chicken). Love ... was not particularly loving. And, I almost lost my house.
Which brings me to the last five months.
My post on February 9th really did tempt The Fates, or reminded God that there were still more fun and fabulous ways of making a "testimony" out of me (to use my mom's word). I've generally kept the resulting grief either to myself, or saved it for occasional venting with my mom, friends, select colleagues, or my (now ex?) boyfriend.
But I googled myself recently and found that proof of my latest and greatest shame has been posted online, and so, I decided, what the hell, let's come clean.
But to do that, I must recap the "lowlights" beginning in May 2007.
That was supposed to be my happy ending. And I think, in some ways it is and will continue to be, but unfortunately, that barn blaze has been ... like ... a ten-alarm fire ... and it just ... won't ... die.
The day I moved to my new town, in fact, while I was unpacking the moving truck (my new employers paid to relocate me!), I was ambushed by an irate realtor who accused me of squatting. I showed her the lease agreement I signed with a guy who went by the name "Mark Stephens" and she scoffed, saying she knew the guy, but that he was a shyster who bilked the true owner of the house out of thousands and that, as a result, the house was in foreclosure and I would have to leave. That explained the good deal I got on the house, though since I was going to help the shyster develop that property and the one next door as retreat centers, I hadn't felt that it was that big of a bargain. No matter. It was a fraud. And his real name isn't even Mark Stephens.
Meanwhile, as I only had two weeks to relocate for work, I tried to find someone to whom to rent my house, who would also help me finish a few projects around the house. I interviewed a few folks, and settled on a guy, R.E.L. who had good references, a solid grasp on the mechanics necessary to complete the jobs, and he was old friends with a neighbor, whom I hold in very high regard.
It turns out, he completely misrepresented his financial situation and not only did he fail to pay his rent on time (i.e. paying in the middle of the month, rather than at the beginning, as he agreed to), but near the end of our five month entanglement, he didn't pay rent or utilities AT ALL. Dealing with R.E.L., was a nightmare, made trickier by the two-hour drive between us! Especially since, at the same time, I had to deal with my mortgage company and needed R.E.L.'s money in a timely manner, in order to save my house.
Three days after I moved to the Shyster House, I met a counselor to set up a debt management plan. This time, I made enough money to insure that I wouldn't have to file bankruptcy and we started the process of contacting my creditors to set up the plan. Unfortunately, the next week, I received paperwork from HSBC, my mortgage holder, saying it was beginning foreclosure actions against my home. Needless to say, I freaked out.
I knew I was behind, and had kept HSBC in the loop all along about what was going on. But, with my new position, I was clearly in a position now to do something about it. So I called HSBC and instead of finding a customer service agent who actually wanted to help, I found a jerk, Daniel Surls, who balked at restructuring my loan, said that if I put the house on the market I would still be liable for the prepayment penalty, and claimed that the only way I would be able to save my house would be to pay about $8000 in attorney fees and back payments by the end of March. I told him that I wouldn't receive a full paycheck from my new employers until March 25th, and that I'd received only $900 from my previous employer in January and about $1700 in February, but would net over $4000 a month starting in April.
Could we please set up a payment plan? No. If you can't pay the $8000, then we could possibly make something work for $4000. If I had $4000 lying around, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Can I resume paying the mortgage, until we resolve the situation with the back payments? No, we'll return the payments. Can I pay the attorney fees, since they're about $1900 and have the back payments tacked onto the loan? No. Well, then could I do a Deed-In-Lieu of Foreclosure, since it was one of the options listed on the letter you sent me? No, those are illegal in the state of Washington. So then I got pissed. Why was it listed as one of the options available to me if it is ILLEGAL? I don't know. So what can I do if you don't help me?! First, we don't have to help you. You knew you had to pay when you took out the mortgage and the only way we can make something work is when you pay the attorney fees and back payments. Then I got REALLY pissed. I didn't choose not to pay. My life fell apart and I couldn't pay. I've explained this repeatedly over the last months, I've even offered to provide the police reports and medical records. How DARE you suggest that I CHOSE this!
Probably not the most productive response, but definitely merited. At this point, I decided not to bother with them anymore. My debt management planner is a HUD-authorized representative, so, I decided to let her deal with HSBC. And she tried. But the customer service dude she contacted, Robert Osborne, gave her the run-around and insisted that she have me call back and ask for him. So I did... or at least I tried to. As one customer (dis)service agent informed me, HSBC is a multinational corporation and I can't expect to simply ask for someone by name; I need his extension number. Apparently, HSBC is too big to have a functioning company directory. Or maybe not, because when I called back, I spoke to a database-savvy woman named Anita who was able to find Robert's extension and .... TRANSFER me! Wow.
By the time I got to Robert, I was in a justifiably foul mood. I've never been impressed by HSBC's shoddy customer service and was absolutely appalled by their behavior when they first bought my mortgage, so I admit I had very low expectations of the man ... like Australopithecus low. But he was actually ... humane and treated me with decency and respect and actually offered solutions.
By the time I found him, a month and a half had passed (my uncle passed away suddenly, which has continued to effect me in a host of. ways) and the attorney fees had almost doubled. But, he assured me that if I paid the attorney fees by the end of the month, then my loan would be restructured to $1460/month and the back payments would be tacked onto the loan. At first, I scoffed, since this was exactly what I had asked Surly Surls for, back when the attorney fees were a fraction of what they were 6 weeks later, but Mr. Osborne assured me that it was real. And so, the only bill I paid for the month of May was a power bill and my debt management payment. I paid nothing else, and still had to borrow money in order to pay the over $3000 in attorney fees by May 31st. But then, near the end of the month, a different guy from HSBC, John Martinez began calling, claiming that Mr. Osborne's offer was not in the system. John returned to Surly Surls script and insisted I pay a lump sum of 3 months payments plus attorney fees, and then my loan would be restructured. I ... PITCHED ... A ... FIT!
No profanity, exactly, but I may have said something about HSBC being a den of liars and cloven-hoofed jerks ... or I might have just been thinking it REALLY loudly.
Finally, I said, "Fine. I will file bankruptcy and you can keep the house. Good luck selling it in this market." John changed his tune then. Suddenly, Robert Osborne's numbers would work. In fact, he's even over-calculated since the attorney fees were only $3163 and not the $3175.50 as Robert Osborne had claimed. Oh and that bit about Deed-in-Lieu's being illegal in Washington? Well, Daniel was just mistaken. It's not that they are illegal in Washington, rather, since Washington is a non-judicial state, HSBC won't accept them. But, if I make the attorney fee payment via Western Union Quick Collect by May 31st, then the Notice on Deferment will be prepared June 1st and the Ancillary Adjustment Notice will be sent out the next Wednesday, reflecting the $1460 a month. Oh, and there will be no payment for the month of June. So then I made a silly request. I asked for the terms of the restructure to be put in writing and faxed, emailed or mailed to me.
Oh, we don't do that. What? You expect me to pay a huge sum without something in writing that confirms our agreement? It's not how we do business. Well then how can I know that you will honor our agreement? You have to trust me. I don't. Well you have to. This is unacceptable!! Hold on.
At this point, he gets his alleged boss, John Golden, on the phone, who was a throwback to Surly Surls' rude, dismissive and denigrating manner. When he also went down the path of suggesting that I chose not to pay them and should accept whatever they give, I just about threw the phone against the wall, but it's expensive. Instead, I told him that I would have to file bankruptcy and he back-pedaled, just enough to give John M's spiel about trusting them about the restructured payment as outlined by Robert Osborne. I acknowledged that my back was against the wall, and that I would trust them, but if they shafted me, they would not hear the end of it.
Well, the day before the Ancillary Adjustment Notice was supposed to be mailed out, I found out that the house on which I had signed a year-lease had been sold and I would need to find yet another place to live ... in less than two weeks. So, needless to say, impending homelessness, combined with the never-ending saga with my flaky Tacoma Tenant, R.E.L., and the rapidly increasing pace at work, meant I had NO time to follow up with HSBC. But, I made sure that they received my July payment of $1460 within the grace period and assumed that the paperwork had simply been lost in the mail. Back in the day, my fifth-grade Social Studies teacher tried to teach me the error of assumptions ("Assume makes an ass out of u and me"), but here it is, some 20+ years later, and I still have not learned.
I didn't receive the Ancillary Adjustment Notice, because, apparently, no such adjustment has been made. Rather, I received a letter saying that I was behind a payment of $1787.28 and that another payment of $1687.28 "will soon be due." I have tried calling the 800 number listed on this latest missive, but even though I call during the hours they have listed (but after I get home from work), the customer (dis)service division is always closed and of course, there is never an option for keying in an extension number and reaching someone directly, as I would very much like to revisit my conversations with Robert, John and John. Oh and the funny thing: the recording claims that HSBC received my recent payment (so much for missing a payment) and the amount due is $1680.28, not $1687.28... a piddly difference, I know. But seriously, can this company keep any of its facts straight?
One would think that I'd.be pissed. Or even blinded by rage at this point. But I'm not. Between dealing with these Highly Suspect Business Cads and dealing with R.E.L. who abandoned my house sometime earlier this month, owing me a good chunk of change and leaving a host of work unfinished, I'm just tired, and determined to choose my battles.
If the Tacoma house is destined to be my burning barn, then I'm about ready to pull up and toast some marshmallows.
I would like to have HSBC honor Robert Osborne's offer, so that I can make things right with my debts and my credit, and so that my neighborhood, which is in the midst of a wonderful renaissance doesn't suffer any blight because of me. Barring that, it would be great to have the pre-pay penalty waived so that I can put the house on the market. But these assume that HSBC knows the meaning of "honor" and knows how to act honorably, which it's pathologically unreliable behavior thus far, suggests otherwise.
I find it stunning that a company whose representatives cozied up to Senator Christopher Dodd, last year, to reassure him that they were in fact helping homeowners in distress (in accordance with the Homeownership Preservation Summit Statement of Principles), would so clearly NOT be helpful. I find it especially amazing that HSBC's shareholders LET the company behave in this manner. After all, I suspect that many of the people who finally let the foreclosure process happen only due so after their own lengthy sagas with the Surly Surls and Golden Boys of their respective mortgage holders.
So what, pray tell, is the moon to my burning barn of fiscal shame and misery?
A yurt!
I've longed for one as the first step towards building my own strawbale home for many, many, many years. Now that my credit is shot and the cows will come home to the fat lady's bellow before I ever apply for or receive a mortgage again, I am curiously free to reconsider my progressive-green-libertarian-Smith-Family-Robinson-wannabe core. It also helps that where I am living, there is reasonably affordable land, a culture of owner-financed land contracts, a variety of natural and green-built homes and ample sun and wind for alternative energy. In short, I think I've found my Mecca.
I've had my experience with conventional home-ownership and am unimpressed. Why sidle oneself with a huge expense for 30 years when one can spend 5 - 7 years creating an intentional home-space, in a manner that costs less and means so much more? Why misdirect ambition to focus on scoring the job that will pay the big bucks that allow you to buy a bigger house and have a greater vulnerability to the vicissitudes of health, employment, natural disasters and corporate pathologies?
For some people, the answer is clear:
For years I've yammered on about wanting to live a life of intention and creation. And so I've taken up crochet projects, crafted pretty cool collages, entered writing competitions, and have become a bit of a Fascist in the garden. But, I've really been living a life driven by fear: fear of being alone, fear of being unemployed; fear of being homeless, fear of illness... But having experienced each of these in some degree in the last two years, I've learned... that there is life beyond fear. And it can be a rich and fulfilling life, even if it looks a little different than the one for which I was taught to strive.
This Friday, will mark the third year of my life in Washington. I came here for work: the opportunity to teach in an innovative program and develop my teaching portfolio around themes of social justice, multicultural American literature and research writing. That it didn't really turn out to be as glorious as suggested has already been discussed in my other, password-protected blog and can certainly be gleaned from my angst-laden post below.
I stayed in Tacoma, trying to make my first house into my first home, and stumbling through that minefield called, "Love," hoping to find someone with whom to settle down and share a life and family. Family was threatened by my two-year saga with the cantaloupe-sized fibroid tumor, which made my uterus look like that turkey Monica had stuck to her head in that episode of Friends (even though, my ute was actually about the size of a roasting chicken). Love ... was not particularly loving. And, I almost lost my house.
Which brings me to the last five months.
My post on February 9th really did tempt The Fates, or reminded God that there were still more fun and fabulous ways of making a "testimony" out of me (to use my mom's word). I've generally kept the resulting grief either to myself, or saved it for occasional venting with my mom, friends, select colleagues, or my (now ex?) boyfriend.
But I googled myself recently and found that proof of my latest and greatest shame has been posted online, and so, I decided, what the hell, let's come clean.
But to do that, I must recap the "lowlights" beginning in May 2007.
- First myomectomy in May - unsuccessful, with a $200 copay
- Contract ends with my previous employer in June 2007, and despite applying to over 50 positions, I received no interviews
- Spent the summer on unemployment, while enduring medically-induced menopause, 3 medical trips to Spokane (the third for my second surgery), and receiving assistance from my mom to cover my COBRA insurance because my roommate/tenant moved out when he found a cheaper place to live closer to work
- The night I returned from my second surgery, some pricks crashed a stolen car into my property, destroying a large section of the cedar privacy fence and ripping open my cat's chest
- I drained my retirement account in early Fall to get caught up on mortgage payments and help pay fees for what I'd hoped would be my last year as an A.B.D.
- My cat was shot in the leg in October, as she sat in our front yard, during a spate of cat shootings in Tacoma
- I tried to set up a Debt Management Plan in November, but was told that I made so little that the best option was to file bankruptcy. I didn't. I just began applying to jobs out of state.
- My previous employers failed to communicate changes in my paydates, due to changes in my contract status, and paid me late, resulting in some additional late fees for me. I ended up making just over $900 in the month of January.
That was supposed to be my happy ending. And I think, in some ways it is and will continue to be, but unfortunately, that barn blaze has been ... like ... a ten-alarm fire ... and it just ... won't ... die.
The day I moved to my new town, in fact, while I was unpacking the moving truck (my new employers paid to relocate me!), I was ambushed by an irate realtor who accused me of squatting. I showed her the lease agreement I signed with a guy who went by the name "Mark Stephens" and she scoffed, saying she knew the guy, but that he was a shyster who bilked the true owner of the house out of thousands and that, as a result, the house was in foreclosure and I would have to leave. That explained the good deal I got on the house, though since I was going to help the shyster develop that property and the one next door as retreat centers, I hadn't felt that it was that big of a bargain. No matter. It was a fraud. And his real name isn't even Mark Stephens.
Meanwhile, as I only had two weeks to relocate for work, I tried to find someone to whom to rent my house, who would also help me finish a few projects around the house. I interviewed a few folks, and settled on a guy, R.E.L. who had good references, a solid grasp on the mechanics necessary to complete the jobs, and he was old friends with a neighbor, whom I hold in very high regard.
It turns out, he completely misrepresented his financial situation and not only did he fail to pay his rent on time (i.e. paying in the middle of the month, rather than at the beginning, as he agreed to), but near the end of our five month entanglement, he didn't pay rent or utilities AT ALL. Dealing with R.E.L., was a nightmare, made trickier by the two-hour drive between us! Especially since, at the same time, I had to deal with my mortgage company and needed R.E.L.'s money in a timely manner, in order to save my house.
Three days after I moved to the Shyster House, I met a counselor to set up a debt management plan. This time, I made enough money to insure that I wouldn't have to file bankruptcy and we started the process of contacting my creditors to set up the plan. Unfortunately, the next week, I received paperwork from HSBC, my mortgage holder, saying it was beginning foreclosure actions against my home. Needless to say, I freaked out.
I knew I was behind, and had kept HSBC in the loop all along about what was going on. But, with my new position, I was clearly in a position now to do something about it. So I called HSBC and instead of finding a customer service agent who actually wanted to help, I found a jerk, Daniel Surls, who balked at restructuring my loan, said that if I put the house on the market I would still be liable for the prepayment penalty, and claimed that the only way I would be able to save my house would be to pay about $8000 in attorney fees and back payments by the end of March. I told him that I wouldn't receive a full paycheck from my new employers until March 25th, and that I'd received only $900 from my previous employer in January and about $1700 in February, but would net over $4000 a month starting in April.
Could we please set up a payment plan? No. If you can't pay the $8000, then we could possibly make something work for $4000. If I had $4000 lying around, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Can I resume paying the mortgage, until we resolve the situation with the back payments? No, we'll return the payments. Can I pay the attorney fees, since they're about $1900 and have the back payments tacked onto the loan? No. Well, then could I do a Deed-In-Lieu of Foreclosure, since it was one of the options listed on the letter you sent me? No, those are illegal in the state of Washington. So then I got pissed. Why was it listed as one of the options available to me if it is ILLEGAL? I don't know. So what can I do if you don't help me?! First, we don't have to help you. You knew you had to pay when you took out the mortgage and the only way we can make something work is when you pay the attorney fees and back payments. Then I got REALLY pissed. I didn't choose not to pay. My life fell apart and I couldn't pay. I've explained this repeatedly over the last months, I've even offered to provide the police reports and medical records. How DARE you suggest that I CHOSE this!
Probably not the most productive response, but definitely merited. At this point, I decided not to bother with them anymore. My debt management planner is a HUD-authorized representative, so, I decided to let her deal with HSBC. And she tried. But the customer service dude she contacted, Robert Osborne, gave her the run-around and insisted that she have me call back and ask for him. So I did... or at least I tried to. As one customer (dis)service agent informed me, HSBC is a multinational corporation and I can't expect to simply ask for someone by name; I need his extension number. Apparently, HSBC is too big to have a functioning company directory. Or maybe not, because when I called back, I spoke to a database-savvy woman named Anita who was able to find Robert's extension and .... TRANSFER me! Wow.
By the time I got to Robert, I was in a justifiably foul mood. I've never been impressed by HSBC's shoddy customer service and was absolutely appalled by their behavior when they first bought my mortgage, so I admit I had very low expectations of the man ... like Australopithecus low. But he was actually ... humane and treated me with decency and respect and actually offered solutions.
By the time I found him, a month and a half had passed (my uncle passed away suddenly, which has continued to effect me in a host of. ways) and the attorney fees had almost doubled. But, he assured me that if I paid the attorney fees by the end of the month, then my loan would be restructured to $1460/month and the back payments would be tacked onto the loan. At first, I scoffed, since this was exactly what I had asked Surly Surls for, back when the attorney fees were a fraction of what they were 6 weeks later, but Mr. Osborne assured me that it was real. And so, the only bill I paid for the month of May was a power bill and my debt management payment. I paid nothing else, and still had to borrow money in order to pay the over $3000 in attorney fees by May 31st. But then, near the end of the month, a different guy from HSBC, John Martinez began calling, claiming that Mr. Osborne's offer was not in the system. John returned to Surly Surls script and insisted I pay a lump sum of 3 months payments plus attorney fees, and then my loan would be restructured. I ... PITCHED ... A ... FIT!
No profanity, exactly, but I may have said something about HSBC being a den of liars and cloven-hoofed jerks ... or I might have just been thinking it REALLY loudly.
Finally, I said, "Fine. I will file bankruptcy and you can keep the house. Good luck selling it in this market." John changed his tune then. Suddenly, Robert Osborne's numbers would work. In fact, he's even over-calculated since the attorney fees were only $3163 and not the $3175.50 as Robert Osborne had claimed. Oh and that bit about Deed-in-Lieu's being illegal in Washington? Well, Daniel was just mistaken. It's not that they are illegal in Washington, rather, since Washington is a non-judicial state, HSBC won't accept them. But, if I make the attorney fee payment via Western Union Quick Collect by May 31st, then the Notice on Deferment will be prepared June 1st and the Ancillary Adjustment Notice will be sent out the next Wednesday, reflecting the $1460 a month. Oh, and there will be no payment for the month of June. So then I made a silly request. I asked for the terms of the restructure to be put in writing and faxed, emailed or mailed to me.
Oh, we don't do that. What? You expect me to pay a huge sum without something in writing that confirms our agreement? It's not how we do business. Well then how can I know that you will honor our agreement? You have to trust me. I don't. Well you have to. This is unacceptable!! Hold on.
At this point, he gets his alleged boss, John Golden, on the phone, who was a throwback to Surly Surls' rude, dismissive and denigrating manner. When he also went down the path of suggesting that I chose not to pay them and should accept whatever they give, I just about threw the phone against the wall, but it's expensive. Instead, I told him that I would have to file bankruptcy and he back-pedaled, just enough to give John M's spiel about trusting them about the restructured payment as outlined by Robert Osborne. I acknowledged that my back was against the wall, and that I would trust them, but if they shafted me, they would not hear the end of it.
Well, the day before the Ancillary Adjustment Notice was supposed to be mailed out, I found out that the house on which I had signed a year-lease had been sold and I would need to find yet another place to live ... in less than two weeks. So, needless to say, impending homelessness, combined with the never-ending saga with my flaky Tacoma Tenant, R.E.L., and the rapidly increasing pace at work, meant I had NO time to follow up with HSBC. But, I made sure that they received my July payment of $1460 within the grace period and assumed that the paperwork had simply been lost in the mail. Back in the day, my fifth-grade Social Studies teacher tried to teach me the error of assumptions ("Assume makes an ass out of u and me"), but here it is, some 20+ years later, and I still have not learned.
I didn't receive the Ancillary Adjustment Notice, because, apparently, no such adjustment has been made. Rather, I received a letter saying that I was behind a payment of $1787.28 and that another payment of $1687.28 "will soon be due." I have tried calling the 800 number listed on this latest missive, but even though I call during the hours they have listed (but after I get home from work), the customer (dis)service division is always closed and of course, there is never an option for keying in an extension number and reaching someone directly, as I would very much like to revisit my conversations with Robert, John and John. Oh and the funny thing: the recording claims that HSBC received my recent payment (so much for missing a payment) and the amount due is $1680.28, not $1687.28... a piddly difference, I know. But seriously, can this company keep any of its facts straight?
One would think that I'd.be pissed. Or even blinded by rage at this point. But I'm not. Between dealing with these Highly Suspect Business Cads and dealing with R.E.L. who abandoned my house sometime earlier this month, owing me a good chunk of change and leaving a host of work unfinished, I'm just tired, and determined to choose my battles.
If the Tacoma house is destined to be my burning barn, then I'm about ready to pull up and toast some marshmallows.
I would like to have HSBC honor Robert Osborne's offer, so that I can make things right with my debts and my credit, and so that my neighborhood, which is in the midst of a wonderful renaissance doesn't suffer any blight because of me. Barring that, it would be great to have the pre-pay penalty waived so that I can put the house on the market. But these assume that HSBC knows the meaning of "honor" and knows how to act honorably, which it's pathologically unreliable behavior thus far, suggests otherwise.
I find it stunning that a company whose representatives cozied up to Senator Christopher Dodd, last year, to reassure him that they were in fact helping homeowners in distress (in accordance with the Homeownership Preservation Summit Statement of Principles), would so clearly NOT be helpful. I find it especially amazing that HSBC's shareholders LET the company behave in this manner. After all, I suspect that many of the people who finally let the foreclosure process happen only due so after their own lengthy sagas with the Surly Surls and Golden Boys of their respective mortgage holders.
So what, pray tell, is the moon to my burning barn of fiscal shame and misery?
A yurt!
I've longed for one as the first step towards building my own strawbale home for many, many, many years. Now that my credit is shot and the cows will come home to the fat lady's bellow before I ever apply for or receive a mortgage again, I am curiously free to reconsider my progressive-green-libertarian-Smith-Family-Robinson-wannabe core. It also helps that where I am living, there is reasonably affordable land, a culture of owner-financed land contracts, a variety of natural and green-built homes and ample sun and wind for alternative energy. In short, I think I've found my Mecca.
I've had my experience with conventional home-ownership and am unimpressed. Why sidle oneself with a huge expense for 30 years when one can spend 5 - 7 years creating an intentional home-space, in a manner that costs less and means so much more? Why misdirect ambition to focus on scoring the job that will pay the big bucks that allow you to buy a bigger house and have a greater vulnerability to the vicissitudes of health, employment, natural disasters and corporate pathologies?
For some people, the answer is clear:
"Shut up you pinko commie!"
But for me, it's not so clear, and never has been.For years I've yammered on about wanting to live a life of intention and creation. And so I've taken up crochet projects, crafted pretty cool collages, entered writing competitions, and have become a bit of a Fascist in the garden. But, I've really been living a life driven by fear: fear of being alone, fear of being unemployed; fear of being homeless, fear of illness... But having experienced each of these in some degree in the last two years, I've learned... that there is life beyond fear. And it can be a rich and fulfilling life, even if it looks a little different than the one for which I was taught to strive.
. © Autumn House Press, 2005.
and 
