Beyond Fear and Longing: On Burning Barns and New Moons

I bought a card yesterday, with a haiku by Masahide:

Barn's burned down,

now I can see the moon.

That pretty much sums up my life right now.

This Friday, will mark the third year of my life in Washington. I came here for work: the opportunity to teach in an innovative program and develop my teaching portfolio around themes of social justice, multicultural American literature and research writing. That it didn't really turn out to be as glorious as suggested has already been discussed in my other, password-protected blog and can certainly be gleaned from my angst-laden post below.

I stayed in Tacoma, trying to make my first house into my first home, and stumbling through that minefield called, "Love," hoping to find someone with whom to settle down and share a life and family. Family was threatened by my two-year saga with the cantaloupe-sized fibroid tumor, which made my uterus look like that turkey Monica had stuck to her head in that episode of Friends (even though, my ute was actually about the size of a roasting chicken). Love ... was not particularly loving. And, I almost lost my house.

Which brings me to the last five months.

My post on February 9th really did tempt The Fates, or reminded God that there were still more fun and fabulous ways of making a "testimony" out of me (to use my mom's word). I've generally kept the resulting grief either to myself, or saved it for occasional venting with my mom, friends, select colleagues, or my (now ex?) boyfriend.

But I googled myself recently and found that proof of my latest and greatest shame has been posted online, and so, I decided, what the hell, let's come clean.

But to do that, I must recap the "lowlights" beginning in May 2007.

• First myomectomy in May - unsuccessful, with a $200 copay
  
• Contract ends with my previous employer in June 2007, and despite applying to over 50 positions, I received no interviews
• Spent the summer on unemployment, while enduring medically-induced menopause, 3 medical trips to Spokane (the third for my second surgery), and receiving assistance from my mom to cover my COBRA insurance because my roommate/tenant moved out when he found a cheaper place to live closer to work
• The night I returned from my second surgery, some pricks crashed a stolen car into my property, destroying a large section of the cedar privacy fence and ripping open my cat's chest
• I drained my retirement account in early Fall to get caught up on mortgage payments and help pay fees for what I'd hoped would be my last year as an A.B.D.
• My cat was shot in the leg in October, as she sat in our front yard, during a spate of cat shootings in Tacoma
  
• I tried to set up a Debt Management Plan in November, but was told that I made so little that the best option was to file bankruptcy. I didn't. I just began applying to jobs out of state.
  
• My previous employers failed to communicate changes in my paydates, due to changes in my contract status, and paid me late, resulting in some additional late fees for me. I ended up making just over $900 in the month of January.

So, when the opportunity to join my current employers presented itself, I leapt at it. It was an AMAZING breath of fresh air... potentially the moon to my burnt barn... and it presented the opportunity to give back to a program that gave a lot to me when I was an undergrad.

That was supposed to be my happy ending. And I think, in some ways it is and will continue to be, but unfortunately, that barn blaze has been ... like ... a ten-alarm fire ... and it just ... won't ... die.

The day I moved to my new town, in fact, while I was unpacking the moving truck (my new employers paid to relocate me!), I was ambushed by an irate realtor who accused me of squatting. I showed her the lease agreement I signed with a guy who went by the name "Mark Stephens" and she scoffed, saying she knew the guy, but that he was a shyster who bilked the true owner of the house out of thousands and that, as a result, the house was in foreclosure and I would have to leave. That explained the good deal I got on the house, though since I was going to help the shyster develop that property and the one next door as retreat centers, I hadn't felt that it was that big of a bargain. No matter. It was a fraud. And his real name isn't even Mark Stephens.

Meanwhile, as I only had two weeks to relocate for work, I tried to find someone to whom to rent my house, who would also help me finish a few projects around the house. I interviewed a few folks, and settled on a guy, R.E.L. who had good references, a solid grasp on the mechanics necessary to complete the jobs, and he was old friends with a neighbor, whom I hold in very high regard.

It turns out, he completely misrepresented his financial situation and not only did he fail to pay his rent on time (i.e. paying in the middle of the month, rather than at the beginning, as he agreed to), but near the end of our five month entanglement, he didn't pay rent or utilities AT ALL. Dealing with R.E.L., was a nightmare, made trickier by the two-hour drive between us! Especially since, at the same time, I had to deal with my mortgage company and needed R.E.L.'s money in a timely manner, in order to save my house.

Three days after I moved to the Shyster House, I met a counselor to set up a debt management plan. This time, I made enough money to insure that I wouldn't have to file bankruptcy and we started the process of contacting my creditors to set up the plan. Unfortunately, the next week, I received paperwork from HSBC, my mortgage holder, saying it was beginning foreclosure actions against my home. Needless to say, I freaked out.

I knew I was behind, and had kept HSBC in the loop all along about what was going on. But, with my new position, I was clearly in a position now to do something about it. So I called HSBC and instead of finding a customer service agent who actually wanted to help, I found a jerk, Daniel Surls, who balked at restructuring my loan, said that if I put the house on the market I would still be liable for the prepayment penalty, and claimed that the only way I would be able to save my house would be to pay about $8000 in attorney fees and back payments by the end of March. I told him that I wouldn't receive a full paycheck from my new employers until March 25th, and that I'd received only $900 from my previous employer in January and about $1700 in February, but would net over $4000 a month starting in April.

Could we please set up a payment plan? No. If you can't pay the $8000, then we could possibly make something work for $4000. If I had $4000 lying around, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Can I resume paying the mortgage, until we resolve the situation with the back payments? No, we'll return the payments. Can I pay the attorney fees, since they're about $1900 and have the back payments tacked onto the loan? No. Well, then could I do a Deed-In-Lieu of Foreclosure, since it was one of the options listed on the letter you sent me? No, those are illegal in the state of Washington. So then I got pissed. Why was it listed as one of the options available to me if it is ILLEGAL? I don't know. So what can I do if you don't help me?! First, we don't have to help you. You knew you had to pay when you took out the mortgage and the only way we can make something work is when you pay the attorney fees and back payments. Then I got REALLY pissed. I didn't choose not to pay. My life fell apart and I couldn't pay. I've explained this repeatedly over the last months, I've even offered to provide the police reports and medical records. How DARE you suggest that I CHOSE this!

Probably not the most productive response, but definitely merited. At this point, I decided not to bother with them anymore. My debt management planner is a HUD-authorized representative, so, I decided to let her deal with HSBC. And she tried. But the customer service dude she contacted, Robert Osborne, gave her the run-around and insisted that she have me call back and ask for him. So I did... or at least I tried to. As one customer (dis)service agent informed me, HSBC is a multinational corporation and I can't expect to simply ask for someone by name; I need his extension number. Apparently, HSBC is too big to have a functioning company directory. Or maybe not, because when I called back, I spoke to a database-savvy woman named Anita who was able to find Robert's extension and .... TRANSFER me! Wow.

By the time I got to Robert, I was in a justifiably foul mood. I've never been impressed by HSBC's shoddy customer service and was absolutely appalled by their behavior when they first bought my mortgage, so I admit I had very low expectations of the man ... like Australopithecus low. But he was actually ... humane and treated me with decency and respect and actually offered solutions.

By the time I found him, a month and a half had passed (my uncle passed away suddenly, which has continued to effect me in a host of. ways) and the attorney fees had almost doubled. But, he assured me that if I paid the attorney fees by the end of the month, then my loan would be restructured to $1460/month and the back payments would be tacked onto the loan. At first, I scoffed, since this was exactly what I had asked Surly Surls for, back when the attorney fees were a fraction of what they were 6 weeks later, but Mr. Osborne assured me that it was real. And so, the only bill I paid for the month of May was a power bill and my debt management payment. I paid nothing else, and still had to borrow money in order to pay the over $3000 in attorney fees by May 31st. But then, near the end of the month, a different guy from HSBC, John Martinez began calling, claiming that Mr. Osborne's offer was not in the system. John returned to Surly Surls script and insisted I pay a lump sum of 3 months payments plus attorney fees, and then my loan would be restructured. I ... PITCHED ... A ... FIT!

No profanity, exactly, but I may have said something about HSBC being a den of liars and cloven-hoofed jerks ... or I might have just been thinking it REALLY loudly.

Finally, I said, "Fine. I will file bankruptcy and you can keep the house. Good luck selling it in this market." John changed his tune then. Suddenly, Robert Osborne's numbers would work. In fact, he's even over-calculated since the attorney fees were only $3163 and not the $3175.50 as Robert Osborne had claimed. Oh and that bit about Deed-in-Lieu's being illegal in Washington? Well, Daniel was just mistaken. It's not that they are illegal in Washington, rather, since Washington is a non-judicial state, HSBC won't accept them. But, if I make the attorney fee payment via Western Union Quick Collect by May 31st, then the Notice on Deferment will be prepared June 1st and the Ancillary Adjustment Notice will be sent out the next Wednesday, reflecting the $1460 a month. Oh, and there will be no payment for the month of June. So then I made a silly request. I asked for the terms of the restructure to be put in writing and faxed, emailed or mailed to me.

Oh, we don't do that. What? You expect me to pay a huge sum without something in writing that confirms our agreement? It's not how we do business. Well then how can I know that you will honor our agreement? You have to trust me. I don't. Well you have to. This is unacceptable!! Hold on.

At this point, he gets his alleged boss, John Golden, on the phone, who was a throwback to Surly Surls' rude, dismissive and denigrating manner. When he also went down the path of suggesting that I chose not to pay them and should accept whatever they give, I just about threw the phone against the wall, but it's expensive. Instead, I told him that I would have to file bankruptcy and he back-pedaled, just enough to give John M's spiel about trusting them about the restructured payment as outlined by Robert Osborne. I acknowledged that my back was against the wall, and that I would trust them, but if they shafted me, they would not hear the end of it.

Well, the day before the Ancillary Adjustment Notice was supposed to be mailed out, I found out that the house on which I had signed a year-lease had been sold and I would need to find yet another place to live ... in less than two weeks. So, needless to say, impending homelessness, combined with the never-ending saga with my flaky Tacoma Tenant, R.E.L., and the rapidly increasing pace at work, meant I had NO time to follow up with HSBC. But, I made sure that they received my July payment of $1460 within the grace period and assumed that the paperwork had simply been lost in the mail. Back in the day, my fifth-grade Social Studies teacher tried to teach me the error of assumptions ("Assume makes an ass out of u and me"), but here it is, some 20+ years later, and I still have not learned.

I didn't receive the Ancillary Adjustment Notice, because, apparently, no such adjustment has been made. Rather, I received a letter saying that I was behind a payment of $1787.28 and that another payment of $1687.28 "will soon be due." I have tried calling the 800 number listed on this latest missive, but even though I call during the hours they have listed (but after I get home from work), the customer (dis)service division is always closed and of course, there is never an option for keying in an extension number and reaching someone directly, as I would very much like to revisit my conversations with Robert, John and John. Oh and the funny thing: the recording claims that HSBC received my recent payment (so much for missing a payment) and the amount due is $1680.28, not $1687.28... a piddly difference, I know. But seriously, can this company keep any of its facts straight?

One would think that I'd.be pissed. Or even blinded by rage at this point. But I'm not. Between dealing with these Highly Suspect Business Cads and dealing with R.E.L. who abandoned my house sometime earlier this month, owing me a good chunk of change and leaving a host of work unfinished, I'm just tired, and determined to choose my battles.

If the Tacoma house is destined to be my burning barn, then I'm about ready to pull up and toast some marshmallows.

I would like to have HSBC honor Robert Osborne's offer, so that I can make things right with my debts and my credit, and so that my neighborhood, which is in the midst of a wonderful renaissance doesn't suffer any blight because of me. Barring that, it would be great to have the pre-pay penalty waived so that I can put the house on the market. But these assume that HSBC knows the meaning of "honor" and knows how to act honorably, which it's pathologically unreliable behavior thus far, suggests otherwise.

I find it stunning that a company whose representatives cozied up to Senator Christopher Dodd, last year, to reassure him that they were in fact helping homeowners in distress (in accordance with the Homeownership Preservation Summit Statement of Principles), would so clearly NOT be helpful. I find it especially amazing that HSBC's shareholders LET the company behave in this manner. After all, I suspect that many of the people who finally let the foreclosure process happen only due so after their own lengthy sagas with the Surly Surls and Golden Boys of their respective mortgage holders.

So what, pray tell, is the moon to my burning barn of fiscal shame and misery?

A yurt!

I've longed for one as the first step towards building my own strawbale home for many, many, many years. Now that my credit is shot and the cows will come home to the fat lady's bellow before I ever apply for or receive a mortgage again, I am curiously free to reconsider my progressive-green-libertarian-Smith-Family-Robinson-wannabe core. It also helps that where I am living, there is reasonably affordable land, a culture of owner-financed land contracts, a variety of natural and green-built homes and ample sun and wind for alternative energy. In short, I think I've found my Mecca.

I've had my experience with conventional home-ownership and am unimpressed. Why sidle oneself with a huge expense for 30 years when one can spend 5 - 7 years creating an intentional home-space, in a manner that costs less and means so much more? Why misdirect ambition to focus on scoring the job that will pay the big bucks that allow you to buy a bigger house and have a greater vulnerability to the vicissitudes of health, employment, natural disasters and corporate pathologies?

For some people, the answer is clear:

"Shut up you pinko commie!"

But for me, it's not so clear, and never has been.

For years I've yammered on about wanting to live a life of intention and creation. And so I've taken up crochet projects, crafted pretty cool collages, entered writing competitions, and have become a bit of a Fascist in the garden. But, I've really been living a life driven by fear: fear of being alone, fear of being unemployed; fear of being homeless, fear of illness... But having experienced each of these in some degree in the last two years, I've learned... that there is life beyond fear. And it can be a rich and fulfilling life, even if it looks a little different than the one for which I was taught to strive.

Transforming "Maybe" Into "Yes!"

Last night I completed a manifestation collage that represents the major milestones and foci for 2008.

And today, I received an interview invitation for a position I applied for just last night!

Woo hoo!!

Relationships... they're weird

I'd really like 2008 to be the year I develop strong, long-lasting relationships with my career, my friends and family, my place of residence and hopefully, the love of my life.

But something tells me, that developing these relationships will be a challenge.

As for my career, well, I need a new one, because the community college adjuncting is driving me into the poor house, and quite possibly the nut house.

As for friends and family, so far the friendship thing has had a bipolar kick-off, but I'm also amazed by the number of friends who have really taken some incredible initiative in helping me navigate my career change. They've been more than a network. They've been like my own 12th Man and I am honored and humbled by their kindness and generosity.

My mom, my NYC cousin and my Aunt G have all been really phenomenal in the last few weeks as well. Not so much with the networking, but with the prayers, encouragement, love and laughter. Especially with my mom, I feel like we are growing into a new and deeper relationship based on a more profound respect and friendship than we have ever had before. Wicked cool!

As for my place of residence, I am actually feeling a little torn. I am SO ready to return to the Bay Area. The climate of cross-fertilization, intellectualism, environmental sustainability and sunshine is really calling out to me. At the same time, I actually really like my house in Tacoma, and am in LOVE with my garden. I'd hate to leave it. And I really want to see it bloom. Of course, I could always manage a bi-state life for awhile, especially since the house and back yard both need work before I can consider renting out the house or selling it. I suppose the hardest bit about building a relationship with a place of residence is the fact that where and how one can build that relationship depends a great deal on one's career: where it takes root, how much it pays, what it demands of one in terms of time and energy.

Comparable caveats apply to the prospect of developing relationships with the love of my life. Assuming I don't already know him, how and where shall I meet him? With the career transition and potential move, I have to proceed with faith that my transitioning won't sabotage our meeting or deepening relationship (if I already know him). And I have been working on the whole faith thing. But, you know, it's cold, gray and rainy at the moment, which never helps the whole love uncertainty experience. But let's face it, I don't want to cultivate just any old relationship. I want the relationship, the one that makes this wait utterly and completely worthwhile. My goal for 2008 is to proceed with patience and belief that that relationship is en route and will manifest right on time.

As, I'm sure will my relationships with my career, my family and friends and the place I end up claiming as home.

Moving from Dark to Light

When I compare last New Year's Eve to this one, I am amazed by how prophetic the last one was and how hopeful this one was.

For the 2006 New Year's Eve, I was sprawled out on a couch at my friend's place in Arizona. We had just gorged on homemade Pakistani food, and spent the evening playing 80s Trivial Pursuit, while watching various "I Love the 90s" episodes on VH1. It was relaxing. Almost like cocooning. And prophetic, since 2007 was the most emotionally, financially and professionally taxing year of my life. It was like I needed a big ole dose of repose and good friends to kick off the year, because God knows, I only got through last year thanks to the grace of loving family and friends (who were, in SO many ways, the face of God for me).

This New Year's Eve was different. I was a little pouty because I had hoped to be in NYC with my cousin, my best bud from Australia, my dear friend who had hosted me in Arizona last year, and his former roommate. But really, I didn't mind. I had stuff to do, and I stayed home to do them. And it felt good. Doing work on my dissertation. Submitting more job applications. Running some errands. And when it came time to be festive, my roommate and I checked out the return of Tacoma's First Night festival. It all felt good; like one of my best days when I am my best self. And it got me thinking.

I've not been my best self IN YEARS. I've had some GREAT days and SPECTACULAR weeks and even months. But, I've not had the passion that I once had in my approach to living. For too long, I've acted like life is a chore, rather than a gift. A series of obligations to fulfill and rules to follow, rather than an opportunity to discover my gifts and put them to good use. Frankly, I've been too frightened to do so. And somewhere along the way, I lost faith.

So yesterday, as I did some photocopying in the UWT library, I had a sort of epiphany. I'm not finishing the dissertation because I have to. Or because it would make my mom proud. I'm not making a career change because it's all about the money. Or because I'm a failure. I'm finishing my dissertation because it is mine: my journey, my meditation, my achievement. I'm changing careers because I chose my current one for the wrong reasons. I accepted the position and left California out of fear. Fear is not a foundation for building a life.

It's a conclusion that I've been coming to rather slowly over the years. But I think it all came to ahead in 2007 because I had SO much to be afraid of, that frankly, I kind of burned out on it. Unemployment... intramural fibroid and two out of three gynecologists telling me I'd likely need a hysterectomy... someone crashing a stolen car into my fence and nearly gutting my cat... another person shooting that same cat a month later... really bad judgment about men... and most of this came to a head in the last six months of the year, leaving me with a pile of debt and no small amount of anxiety.

But by the time Advent kicked off on December 2nd, I had come to the conclusion: I will survive, because this too, shall pass.

And it was weird because it wasn't like I made up my mind to just put on a happy face and hope for the best. It was just something I knew. I will survive. This, too, shall pass. There is light at the end of my very dark, obstacle-ridden tunnel. And I'm pretty sure I can see it.

Of course, it helped that the homilies during Advent always seemed to function as nice little weekly reminders. You know, especially when my Seasonal Affective Crankies were in overdrive.

My favorite vignettes from Fr. Steve's and Fr. Alan's Words O' Wisdom:

• Change, especially important change, is difficult. We don't like it when we're awakened because waking up can be painful. Much in our culture encourages us to be numb and asleep. We need to pray for guidance in those parts of our lives where we are numb and asleep. We need to pray for urgency.
• Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence. We need to bring the evidence of our transformation into the world.
• Whether or not the gods are in charge is an open question. The answer as to whether we are in charge is no. God's plan is often carried out by really quirky people. We need to plan for the future, but we want to deepen our faith in God's plan.
• The only way for absolute control is to be oppressive, which destroys life.

At any given moment, what these vignettes mean to me vary. On Christmas Eve, reflecting on them, combined with the fact that there was a full moon, led me to perform a little Full Moon Purge with a glass of wine, scraps of paper scrawled with the names of every bad event or action that made 2007 WAY too interesting, and my wood stove. It was nice. Satisfying. Cleansing.

The afternoon of the 8th, with the New Moon, I plan to complete a Manifestation Collage to really help me reflect on the sort of events and actions with which I hope to FILL 2008. Because I'm realizing: gestures of hope matter.

So many of the consequences from last year have carried over into this new year. So many issues are unresolved. But I hope and believe that there is light at the end of my tunnel, that the way will become less rocky. Not because I'm fond of cliches, or because I'm naive.

I just feel like I have finally rediscovered my faith. It is with that faith that I pray Henri Nouwen's prayer:

Come, Lord Jesus, to that place where I am weakest,
For that is the place where you can
Make your manger, and bring your light.

In the Interim

This week, I've been reading and musing over the November issue of The Atlantic Monthly (you know, when I've not been catching up on grading, financial management, and healing the wounds of misplaced affection).

As it was its 150th Anniversary issue, it ran a lengthy series of vignettes on "The Future of the American Idea." The respondents include politicians, scholars, artists, authors, politicians, etc. and I will be writing a meditative reflection on their reflections later this week. In the interim, I've decided to share a poem that appeared in my inbox, courtesy of NPR's The Writer's Almanac:

The Necessary Brevity of Pleasures by Samuel Hazo, from A Flight to Elsewhere. © Autumn House Press, 2005.

Prolonged, they slacken into pain
or sadness in accordance with the law
of apples.
One apple satisfies.
Two apples cloy.
Three apples
glut.
Call it a tug-of-war between enough and more
than enough, between sufficiency
and greed, between the stay-at-homers
and globe-trotting see-the-worlders.
Like lovers seeking heaven in excess,
the hopelessly insatiable forget
how passion sharpens appetites
that gross indulgence numbs.
Result?
The haves have not
what all the have-nots have
since much of having is the need
to have.
Even my dog
knows that - and more than that.
He slumbers in a moon of sunlight,
scratches his twitches and itches
in measure, savors every bite
of grub with equal gratitude
and stays determinedly in place
unless what's suddenly exciting
happens.
Viewing mere change
as threatening, he relishes a few
undoubtable and proven pleasures
to enjoy each day in sequence
and with canine moderation.
They're there for him in waiting,
and he never wears them out.

A Pithy Response to the British High Court

What a strange couple of days for Al Gore: get chastised by a British court one day; win the Nobel Peace Prize for the same material, the next.

At any rate, I was intrigued when I saw a little news item to this effect on some webpage or other I was browsing today. I was struck by the overwrought tone of some of the article titles, which barely evaded the accusation that Gore lied in An Inconvenient Truth. But having reviewed a few articles on the matter, I've learned that the court took issue with alleged "errors" in the film. Hardly the outing of bald-faced lies that some of the headlines suggest. Furthermore, the nine "errors" the court lists, are less errors of fact, than they are errors of interpretation.

1. They don't deny the validity of the rising sea level, only the timeline.
2. I wondered about that myself. My understanding was that there have been instances of island communities evacuating after tsunamis, but they tend to return home after the water subsides.
3. "...very unlikely" doesn't mean "isn't going to happen." While over emphasizing "The Day After Tomorrow" doomsday scenario is a bit much, failing to explain and understand the delicate balance of the "conveyor" would be negligent.
4. So...then...Gore needs to refresh his Excel graph-making skills. Okay. Though seriously, whenever anyone uses graphs and statistics, care must be taken to use them appropriately. Conservative pundits would do well to remember the lapse in judgment of two of their own with the remarkably twisted book, "The Bell Curve."
   
5. Of course it's going to be difficult to assert the MAIN causes. Ecological systems are rather complex after all. But I find it curious that the court DOESN'T challenge the film's argument about the correlative between human industrial activity and rapid changes in the climate. Correlation may not be PRIMARY, but it's something.
6. see #5, with the added bit: environmental degradation undoubtedly has local roots, but given the interconnectedness of the larger ecological (and social) system, global activities have local impacts as well.
7. Duh. But when I saw the film, I detected a more nuanced argument: that the type of devastation inflicted by Katrina will become the norm with unchecked global warming. So then, Katrina is an example of the rapidly developing worse case scenario.
8. Scientific studies take a LONG time to complete (given the rigors of the scientific method), therefore, if the court will only rely on STUDIES, rather than, say the preliminary research data, then they sit a rather high bar for recent phenomena. Oh and the court's claim that the four polar bears drowned because of a storm illustrates the same limited analysis that they accuse the film of making. The storm COMBINED with the intense melting of the ice pack contributed to the polar bears' deaths.
9. see #5.

So...yeah... the British High Court has chosen to chastise the film's interpretations of the data, as well as question the isolatable factors of the data. But what the court cannot and does not take issue with are the facts.

Fact: climate change is happening.
Fact: climate change has dramatic effects on societies and ecosystems.
Fact: human activity coincides with the dramatic ecological changes that have been documented.

Debatable: why is climate change happening?
Debatable: how much of the social and ecological stresses are due to climate change, and how much to other factors?
Debatable: how much does human activity contribute to the ecological changes?

To my mind, the first debatable question is first a scientific question, then a moral question, then a policy question. Unfortunately, the more vocal & litigious skeptics gloss over the science, confuse morality with religious fundamentalism and go ape-shit over policy.

The second question is a brilliant red herring. Given the incredible complexity & scale of the
global ecosystem, no one will EVER be able to give more than rough estimates and theories. We might discern what all the factors are, but actually deducing the "recipe" for social and ecological stress... good luck.

The third question is both a simple one and an impossible one. Simple in that the adage, "if you make a mess, clean it up," is the solution.

For too long, humans have assumed that when we throw something "away," it disappears.... or ceases to be our problem. We are narcissists to the worse degree and assume that someone else, or the planet itself, will deal with the messes we make. Industrial smoke stacks spewing black, particulate-laden smoke into a once pristine sky...is a mess. Even if that mess doesn't raise the global temperature by a degree and precipitate the melting of a polar bear's den. It's a mess in it's own backyard. It's a mess that the industrialist made and the consumer chose to ignore in his/her material narcissism (i.e. I want what I want, when I want it). It's a mess that needs to be cleaned up.

Whatever "errors" An Inconvenient Truth may have made, its drive to call all of us to clean up our own messes is one fact that it definitely got right.

Mind Makes Matter

I admit, that in the past, I have let my thoughts and attitude keep me in a funk. Inevitably, I would find myself laden by more funkiness. Even when I thought I was being "responsible" by taking inventory of the mess where I was, so often I would find myself burdened by even more crap.

This was especially true when I was diagnosed with the fibroid. I could not believe that my body would betray me so completely, that God would further complicate my mid/quarter-life crisis, that the universe would be so cruel. Self-pity, anger, confusion, defeatism were my norm for quite awhile. Followed quickly by over-compensation and drastic measures.

In the midst of all of this externalization of blame and salvation, I began to gradually direct attention to my inner life: the type of thoughts I was having; the dreams I was nurturing; as well as the dreams I was stifling. I began to really notice how I treated my body, as well as how I thought of it. I retreated deep into my self, realizing that for all of the book learning I'd accumulated, I had very little true knowledge of Me.

Through the meditative space of acupuncture, singing hymns from my soul, returning to the gym and finding sanctuary in the sauna, I began to cultivate a different mind-body connection, that I believe laid the foundation for a different mind-life connection.

To be clear. I am not yet a sage. But I think I'm "getting it."

This evening, I decided to kick back a bit and watch "The Secret." A friend of mine in Santa Cruz had recommended it to me some time back. And a co-worker mentioned it earlier this week. Then yesterday, lo and behold, it arrived as part of my latest Netflix trio.

So I watched it. And for the most part, I felt...well...validated. Not because I've managed to live "The Secret" faithfully, but because I am trying to.

At its most basic, it's an argument for positive thinking...and believing. It's not enough to think good thoughts. We have to visualize them, claim them and believe in them with our whole being. We have to live our visions as if they were our present reality, because that is the only way they will be. In "Secret Speak": We must Ask the Universe/God for what we want (on a profound level, not a mere material level), then Believe that our request was heard and is in the process of being granted. Lastly, we must Receive the feeling and experience of our answered prayer, not in the future...but now.

Rather than phrase this as a list of everything I'm no good at, I will say that I am working on my visualization strategies and my faith. The visualization I do best when I collage, crochet or garden. And so, I've resumed work on a couple of collages that I started in April 2006. I make a point of working on the baby blanket that I started for my godson (who is now almost seven), and have rededicated to the child I will someday carry, bear and raise. And the garden, I plan to spend some quality time with this weekend.

I am inspired by two statements made in the film:

1. Your current state of affairs is not who you are, it's who you were.
2. Good thoughts are 100 times more powerful than bad thoughts.

I'm not going to make a list of all the things that continue to be off-kilter. I recognize that they are residuals from a very trying 18 months. Rather, I am refocusing on where I want to go and who I want to be.

I have faith that God has given me enough strength to complete the "how's" that will manifest on my journey. I'm not sitting on my laurels, expecting God (The Original Mr/Ms Universe) to magically teleport me from my current state of affairs to my vision. Increasingly, I'm learning that believing in and receiving goodness are actions.

I have to DO my belief. I have to LIVE my gratitude. After all, mind makes matter.

Mischief Managed

In the weeks since my first lap myomectomy attempt went sour, I have not been myself. I have been bits of myself:

• The Dreamer - entrepreneurial planning
• The Dutiful Servant - participating in a brainstorming session for the school where I taught last year, but for which I do not yet have a contract
• The Scholar - periodically working on my dissertation, thanks in LARGE part to my amazing writing group
• The Flirt - testing the waters of online and old-fashioned dating
• The Bitch - yeah...I said it, I can be very, very bitchy when given the right (wrong?) provocation
• The Geek - re-reading three Harry Potter books, waiting in line for nearly 2 hours to watch the latest HP film on IMAX, and practically flinging myself into the arms of the UPS guy when he brought The Deathly Hallows
• The Glutton - I seriously fell off the Happy Hippie Diet wagon in the last two weeks. If it was fried, meaty, sugary or processed it probably ended up in my mouth more often than my 80-20 rule allows (80% good stuff; 20% S.A.D. [Standard American Diet - thanks Dr. W])
  
• The Nervous Wreck - suffice to say that unemployment, health issues, housing issues and ... well ... issues in general, do not a happy Karen make, especially when I have Lupron (the menopause faking, mood swinging, fibroid shrinking drug-o-choice of myomectomy-performing surgeons) making my life oh...so...interesting.

I have been all of this and more, at various times and in various combinations. But I have not been anywhere close to my best self.

But I am working on it. And getting better at it. Starting with going back to the gym more than once last week (3 times, actually, including TWO cycle classes). And eating MUCH better (my digestive tract had really grown accustomed to my high-fiber, whole food diet and pretty much mutinied against my taste buds and feeble willpower). I'm also trying to sleep more (though Saturday was an exception given my reading marathon and a birthday party at which I had to make an appearance). And I've cleaned A LOT of my house (formerly known as The Sty-o-Shame). But best of all, I have rediscovered a part of my old best self, The Organizer. I have begun making, ticking off and sticking to weekly & daily To-Do lists. I must be a little Type A, because this simple system is making me more productive and happier than I have been in a VERY long time.

Like riding a bike

Transforming one's life for the better sure is hard work.

Especially when you lose your job ... and your roommate, and you have to switch to COBRA in$urance, and the in$urance company balks at paying for a procedure you need, and your car isn't getting sold, and your body wigs out because of the medication you are on & all the stress you are under, and your dream job (owning your own cafe) is both overwhelming and the only thing that has really put a smile on your face in years...

So yeah... in the last two weeks I have fallen off the hippie wagon (bye-bye pescovegetarianism, hello culinary therapy at Tamarind Tree) and damn near fell apart (Hot flashes and mood swings? In rapid, overlapping succession? Lupron...I hate you).

But thank God it's Monday. A new week and new beginning. To "celebrate" I returned to the cycle class at my gym, and unlike my effort last month, I managed to complete the whole class! I bought more beet juice and cranberry juice. I made a really tasty veggie pizza with fresh zucchini & basil from my garden, on a gluten-free crust. Small steps in the right direction; but "steps" nonetheless.

In general though, I find this whole journey to be VERY hard. It's not just a matter of changing what I eat or how I get around. It's really a whole different relationship to time.

It takes time to cook from scratch. Even with the right recipes or even raw cuisine. It takes time to coordinate travel plans via public transportation, & even more time to use it. Which is why, I suppose, I have only done so when I took the bus back from the airport and to Tacoma's July 4th Freedom Fair.

I have to admit, as a dyed-in-the-wool procrastinator, the time thing is not my forte. And as a stubborn only child who seems to grow more stubborn with each passing day, the whole "change thing" is a real pain in the ass. Kind of like Kreacher's reaction to being willed to Harry. But I digress.

The point is... I think I'm better with making changes when they come one-at-a-time, not all-at-once. And with all of the flux and uncertainty around my financial, professional, entrepreneurial, academic, and health needs and goals... well...damn it... I just feel like I'm too busy spinning and losing my bearings rather than making a coherent change for the better.

Do Nothing Days

Today I am finding it remarkably easy to tread lightly on the planet, my health and my pocketbook.

I suppose that's because I haven't left my house.

Today is one of those oh-so-delightful Northwestern days that drive folks to bad country music and even worse beer.

It is cold. It is dark. It has rained ALL DAY. In JUNE.

On a day like today, why would I want to drive anywhere? Why would I want to get out of bed at all?

I find myself grazing on the easiest-to-prepare food I can find: lots of fruit, nuts and carrot sticks. Even the microwave is a bit of a bother. This morning I had a bizarre burst of energy, so I had Spiced French Toast (with Spelt bread) and fresh fruit for breakfast. But I don't know ... I think handling the cast iron skillet just wrecked me.

At any rate, I'm going back to bed. Who knew being completely and totally lazy could have such a great upside (i.e. zero greenhouse gas emissions today - well, except for those generated by the power plant that keeps this computer running; high fiber, low fat grazing; and no impulse buying)!

Trying to live sustainably WITHOUT developing ecochondria

Sometimes, I really like the internet and customized searches. Without them, I never would have read a rather funny, yet totally understandable column by Joy Colangelo of The Monterey Herald.

While she did not use the nasty little five-letter word, what she talks about is guilt. Guilt for what one's choices - even the ones with good intentions - may be doing inadvertently to the planet.

She recycles some interesting factoids:

• When one factors in the product life-cycle of all the components of a Prius, one might have less of an impact on the environment if one buys a Hummer.
  
• In the pesticide battle, it might be better to use a little biological warfare rather than capitulate to those pesky invasive species that are transforming ecosystems.
• Organic t-shirts may be organic, but they also take 25 gallons of water to make.

Her tone (which I presume is a little tongue-in-cheek) is a bit frantic a la Scarlett's "Where shall I go? What shall I do?!"

BUT...

She has a point.

I guess as long as the industrial, manufacturing and agricultural domains focus on cradle-to-grave systems of production, rather than shifting towards cradle-to-cradle systems (a la McDonough and Braungart's Cradle to Cradle), we will all have to regularly choose between the lesser of evils and do what we can to make our day-to-day lives as common-sense sustainable as we can.

To that end, it just makes sense to collect roof run-off in a rain barrel and use it in the garden. OR if you're like my aunt's dear friend in Toledo who "plants" silk flower arrangements in her yard, then you can use the run-off for a water feature like a pond (treated with organic mosquitocide, of course) or a pond-less waterfall.

As for the Prius-Hummer comparison... well, unless the materials that go into a Hummer are significantly less toxic and less traveled than those of a Prius, I still say that the Prius' green cred trumps the Hummer's any day of the week.

Personally, as part of my hippiefication, I plan to sell my car in a couple of weeks: to save money; make some money; force me to get a bike and actually USE it; and yes, do my part to save the planet one bike ride, bus trip and (HOPEFULLY) Flexcar reservation at a time.