Transforming "Maybe" Into "Yes!"

Last night I completed a manifestation collage that represents the major milestones and foci for 2008.

And today, I received an interview invitation for a position I applied for just last night!

Woo hoo!!

Moving from Dark to Light

When I compare last New Year's Eve to this one, I am amazed by how prophetic the last one was and how hopeful this one was.

For the 2006 New Year's Eve, I was sprawled out on a couch at my friend's place in Arizona. We had just gorged on homemade Pakistani food, and spent the evening playing 80s Trivial Pursuit, while watching various "I Love the 90s" episodes on VH1. It was relaxing. Almost like cocooning. And prophetic, since 2007 was the most emotionally, financially and professionally taxing year of my life. It was like I needed a big ole dose of repose and good friends to kick off the year, because God knows, I only got through last year thanks to the grace of loving family and friends (who were, in SO many ways, the face of God for me).

This New Year's Eve was different. I was a little pouty because I had hoped to be in NYC with my cousin, my best bud from Australia, my dear friend who had hosted me in Arizona last year, and his former roommate. But really, I didn't mind. I had stuff to do, and I stayed home to do them. And it felt good. Doing work on my dissertation. Submitting more job applications. Running some errands. And when it came time to be festive, my roommate and I checked out the return of Tacoma's First Night festival. It all felt good; like one of my best days when I am my best self. And it got me thinking.

I've not been my best self IN YEARS. I've had some GREAT days and SPECTACULAR weeks and even months. But, I've not had the passion that I once had in my approach to living. For too long, I've acted like life is a chore, rather than a gift. A series of obligations to fulfill and rules to follow, rather than an opportunity to discover my gifts and put them to good use. Frankly, I've been too frightened to do so. And somewhere along the way, I lost faith.

So yesterday, as I did some photocopying in the UWT library, I had a sort of epiphany. I'm not finishing the dissertation because I have to. Or because it would make my mom proud. I'm not making a career change because it's all about the money. Or because I'm a failure. I'm finishing my dissertation because it is mine: my journey, my meditation, my achievement. I'm changing careers because I chose my current one for the wrong reasons. I accepted the position and left California out of fear. Fear is not a foundation for building a life.

It's a conclusion that I've been coming to rather slowly over the years. But I think it all came to ahead in 2007 because I had SO much to be afraid of, that frankly, I kind of burned out on it. Unemployment... intramural fibroid and two out of three gynecologists telling me I'd likely need a hysterectomy... someone crashing a stolen car into my fence and nearly gutting my cat... another person shooting that same cat a month later... really bad judgment about men... and most of this came to a head in the last six months of the year, leaving me with a pile of debt and no small amount of anxiety.

But by the time Advent kicked off on December 2nd, I had come to the conclusion: I will survive, because this too, shall pass.

And it was weird because it wasn't like I made up my mind to just put on a happy face and hope for the best. It was just something I knew. I will survive. This, too, shall pass. There is light at the end of my very dark, obstacle-ridden tunnel. And I'm pretty sure I can see it.

Of course, it helped that the homilies during Advent always seemed to function as nice little weekly reminders. You know, especially when my Seasonal Affective Crankies were in overdrive.

My favorite vignettes from Fr. Steve's and Fr. Alan's Words O' Wisdom:

• Change, especially important change, is difficult. We don't like it when we're awakened because waking up can be painful. Much in our culture encourages us to be numb and asleep. We need to pray for guidance in those parts of our lives where we are numb and asleep. We need to pray for urgency.
• Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence. We need to bring the evidence of our transformation into the world.
• Whether or not the gods are in charge is an open question. The answer as to whether we are in charge is no. God's plan is often carried out by really quirky people. We need to plan for the future, but we want to deepen our faith in God's plan.
• The only way for absolute control is to be oppressive, which destroys life.

At any given moment, what these vignettes mean to me vary. On Christmas Eve, reflecting on them, combined with the fact that there was a full moon, led me to perform a little Full Moon Purge with a glass of wine, scraps of paper scrawled with the names of every bad event or action that made 2007 WAY too interesting, and my wood stove. It was nice. Satisfying. Cleansing.

The afternoon of the 8th, with the New Moon, I plan to complete a Manifestation Collage to really help me reflect on the sort of events and actions with which I hope to FILL 2008. Because I'm realizing: gestures of hope matter.

So many of the consequences from last year have carried over into this new year. So many issues are unresolved. But I hope and believe that there is light at the end of my tunnel, that the way will become less rocky. Not because I'm fond of cliches, or because I'm naive.

I just feel like I have finally rediscovered my faith. It is with that faith that I pray Henri Nouwen's prayer:

Come, Lord Jesus, to that place where I am weakest,
For that is the place where you can
Make your manger, and bring your light.

On Hospital Food & Other Missteps on the Road to Recovery

Wow. I've neglected this blog for over a month.

Shame on me.

Mea culpa.

Where is my whip?

But then, I did have a laparoscopic myomectomy two weeks ago with Dr. Stephen "Steady Hands" Brisbois in Spokane (read about it here).

And for the most part, my recovery has been frickin' awesome.

Except for one...itty...bitty...thing...

Food.

One would think that hospitals would be the place to be for healthy, wholesome food, what with their need to sustain scores of sick and injured people who really don't need anymore problems.

But no. After my operation, my first "meal" was chicken broth, saltine crackers, Lipton hot tea and Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice. I took one, tentative sip of the chicken broth and had to push it away: it practically screamed MSG. I also passed on the tea (is it wise for me to drink caffeine while at the same time taking Oxycodin?). And the "juice" would have been better labeled as "Cranberry-Colored Sugar Water." The saltines became my new best friend. I devoured them with the grace of Cartman at a food buffet. In fact, crackers were pretty much all I ate for about 12 hours.

For breakfast, I was served utterly tasteless Cream of Wheat and canned peaches in syrup, along with some orange juice laden with Miralax. The Breakfast of Champions.

That would, perhaps, explain why after I was discharged from the hospital, I decided that what I really needed for dinner was a burger. Granted, I'd lost like 1/2 a pint of blood in surgery the day before. So I was feeling a little blood-thirsty.

But suffice to say...I chose poorly. And the road-trip home didn't help matters any.

Would it kill freeway food establishments to serve some fresh fruits and veggies? Is there any establishment along the I-90 corridor for whom the oven or the steamer basket hold a higher place of honor than say...the deep fryer? Granted, I spent most of the ride strung out on Oxycodin and therefore might have overlooked the roadside Garden of Eden. But, I have my doubts since I completed the Spokane-Tacoma road trip this week as well (for my first post-op appointment) and I didn't see anything.

At any rate, since getting home, I've been better. But the small issue of unemployment has undermined some of my hippie diet efforts. Thankfully, we have a Winco nearby with really affordable raw almonds and pitted dates in bulk. These items, along with agave nectar, vanilla, and sea salt allow me to make my own oh-so-delicious almond milk. It has the consistency of cow's milk, with a subtly sweet flavor and is a variation on the "Velvety Dessert Milk" in Alive in 5, one of the cookbooks to the right.

At any rate, I'm feeling MUCH better, now that the fibroid is gone: many, many, many thanks to my surgeon; but NO thanks to the hospital "chef."

Week in Review: Week One

A New Pact

I'm an omnivore. Plain and simple. I get that the amount of grain and water used to feed cattle, piggies and chickens could be used for better purposes. But I can’t deny the carnivorous beast that pricks my spine every time I smell frying bacon, grilled steak or coq au vin.

So, rather than sabotage my transformation before it even gets really started, I decided to allow myself two meat days per month: one for poultry or pork; the other for red meats (preferably buffalo or lamb). On the other 26-29 days of the month, I will get my protein from vegetables and fish. Pescovegetarianism, here I come! Well, except for those two days a month.

It's an imperfect pact for an imperfect woman. But I have to start somewhere and I fully intend to make sure my two animal protein days only use organic and free-range animals.

It's beets, not blood

Even before committing to developing this blog, I began seriously delving into the first part of my Accidental Hippie plan: taking better care of my body, so that my body takes better care of me.

I revisited the archives of the Uterine Fibroids and Healing For Fibroids Naturally Yahoogroups, and finally began reading Dr. Warshowsky's Healing Fibroids, and began to integrate some of the things I was learning about into my diet.

Apparently beets (sometimes combined with molasses) has been used in ethnic medical treatments for fibroids, with some success. UNFORTUNATELY, having never eaten beets before, I was unpleasantly surprised to discover their effects on certain body wastes. Asparagus reeks havoc with number one; and beets bedizen number two.

What was pleasant to discover was that unsweetened cranberry juice combined with beet juice makes a rather nice drink. I now try to have it before every meal. Beet juice can be a little spendy ($6 for a 120z bottle at Marlene's). But it looks like my garden beets are doing well, so soon I'll be able to make my own juice.

The Garden

As I am still recovering from my surgery, there's not much yard work I can do, even though there is MUCH I need to do:

But I am happy to say that my organic raised beds are coming along nicely. I have found that if I take things slowly, I can still get down and savor the triumphant rush of weeding. My next garden project: getting the worm compost bin up and running. I bought one during last summer's disastrous retail therapy, and promptly neglected it. But now that my fruit and veggie intake is climbing, it makes sense to resurrect the worms (or, more accurately, buy some new ones).

Easy Omega-3s

Prior to last week, I had a habit of eating flax meal only when I had applesauce or Soy Cream's Very Cherry Chocolate Chip. This week, I discovered that I can add flax seed to mashed potatoes for a rather nice and subtle nutty flavor. I've also added flax meal to my new weekday morning routine: fruit smoothies. But perhaps the Omega-3 discovery of which I am most proud, is the Copper River Salmon sushi I made with my dissertation group buddy on Wednesday. Sure, I now understand why brown rice rarely shows up in sushi. But that just means that the next time I make it (likely this evening, I will make the rice mixture 2 parts sushi rice, 1 part brown rice).

Smoothies in the morning help the commute pass by

I used to drive to work with a mug of molasses tea and some sort of muffin in my lap. This week, I began using the blender to make smoothies: frozen berries + cranberyy/beet juice blend + prune juice + flax meal + almond milk (I use Pacific's Almond Milk because I'm lactose intolerant) = VERY good! By the time I get to work, I've finished the smoothie and simply wash out the bottle and fill it with filtered water at work

Stocking up: some pre-hippie rules STILL apply, like DON'T SHOP WHILE HUNGRY

On Thursday, after my acupuncture appointment, I made a pilgrimage first to Marlene's, then to Trader Joe's. I brought a list, which was good. But I also brought an appetite, which was not so good. The damage: Marlene's - $83.61, and five items not on my list (I bought 28 items), including a seriously yummy raw peanut butter and honey bar ; Trader Joe's - $75.65 and three items not on my list (out of 28 items), including the oh-so-good Sharon's Coconut Sorbet.

Minor relapse: Consequences of impulse-purchasing; and ye ole "Well, I've got to clean out the refrigerator" excuse, or how I ate two hot dogs as a "snack"

Friday morning began with me being a very good girl: nutritious smoothie and packing my lunch. Unfortunately, my lunch was one of the impulse buys from Thursday: Morningstar's BBQ Riblets. Sure, it's soy-based and soy in moderate amounts is very good for my overall health and my efforts to get rid of Fi. But a soy-based product doused in seriously delicious, sugary badness? Not so much. I tried to "make it up" to myself by adding flax seeds to the mashed potatoes I made to go with it. But still, this was clearly a relapse.

And it was aggravated when I got home later in the afternoon: tired and hungry. I looked in the fridge and two relics stared out at me: left-over hot dogs.

I was torn. Do I toss them, and thereby waste them? Or do I eat them and have today count as one of my two meat days for the month?

I ate them.

Treat of the Week:
Sharon's coconut sorbet with fresh strawberries and flax meal